Eggsanta
by Mr Halfwright
Summary: Sillygorath forces Eggman to become the Santa for Mobius, or else the universe shall explode, yeah crummy plotline, just go with it.


Eggsanta.

Pretty much a parody of Christmas, involves several different games, movies, etc... I'll let you work out what's what.

Set in Sonic X universe.

* * *

><p>Eggman sat contentedly in his base on top of Mount Crumpet; happily drinking some eggnog from out of a margarita glass as he ordered his henchbots around; Docoe, Bocoe and Bokkun.<p>

Suddenly, a bright white light appeared before Eggman and a grey bearded follow stood before him holding a cane. He was dressed in green pants and a purple shirt with golden symbols printed on it. It should also be noted he looked suspiciously like Sean Connery.

"Hello there Eggman!" the figure stated, "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, here to torment you for being naughty and fat!"

"But...!" Eggman stuttered, _wondering what on Mobius he could have possibly done to deserve this._

"hehe, you should see the look on your face right now!" the figure stated, "My name's Sillygorath!"

"Well what the heck are you doing in my evil lair on top of Mount Crumpet!" Eggman demanded angrily, "And get a better name while you're at it!"

"First off, I'm here to torment you, secondly, MAKE FUN OF MY NAME AGAIN AND I"LL TURN YOU INTO A CABBAGE! Or maybe cheese, I'm rather fond of cheese."

"Torment me!" Eggman squealed girlishly, before regaining his composure, "And how do you plan on tormenting the great and glorious leader of the Eggman Empire, Sillygorath!" Eggman questioned with a laugh. "OH HO HO HO HO!" Sillygorath flinched at the horrible laugh.

"Well you see Eggman, I'm going to make you Santa!" Sillygorath said.

"WHAt!" Eggman exclaimed loudly, spitting his eggnog onto Bokkun.

"Hey! Watch it!" Bokkun screamed, throwing a wrench at Eggman's face and scoring a direct hit, Bocoe and Docoe wisely backed away while Sillygorath stood there smiling.

"I think you should run away now Bokkun!" Bocoe stated, Bokkun remained frozen in place.

Eggman simply sat there as he pulled the wrench from his face; a comical red mark remained where the wrench once was.

"I think his anger level is over NINE THOUSAND." Docoe said.

"Why?" Eggman questioned Sillygorath with a grin, seemingly ignoring Bokkun for the moment. "Do you think you can turn me into... Santa?"

"Well..." Sillygorath stated, "A certain cosmic problem has recently popped up..."

"Cosmic problem?" Docoe asked.

"What kind of Cosmic problem?"Bocoe asked.

"I think I just oiled myself!" Bokkun said, and indeed a small black puddle was slowly surrounding his feet.

"hehe..." Sillygorath laughed crazily, spinning his cane around on his index finger. "Have you ever heard of something called belief?" Sillygorath asked. Eggman looked perplexed at the question.

"Where's this going?" Eggman asked, scratching his head.

"When you went to Earth with Sonic and co, you brought back knowledge of their holidays." Sillygorath stated impassively, "it is my enjoyment to say, you're the only one on Mobius who is fat enough, dressed in red enough and... well jolly enough." Sillygorath said, "Humans never really specified what type of jolly, morons, wait am I a human?"

"Ok, what does this have to do with belief and me being Santa!" Eggman questioned, Sillygorath looked at him angrily for a second before replying.

"Hehe, someone has to be Santa, or else the universe will explode!" Sillygorath explained; Docoe, Bocoe and Bokkun looked stunned at this.

"This sounds like some half-baked and really stupid story plotline." Eggman commented, Sillygorath nodded his head.

"You're already dressed in red, here, take this enchanted sack and beard." Sillygorath said, handing the two objects over to 'Eggsanta.' "The sack can materialise any object you can think of, so long as it can do no harm and the receiver would accept the gift." Sillygorath stated, Eggman's face dropped once he heard this. "And the beard will allow you to keep your identity from the receivers, though I don't think it stops you from being ugly."

"What's in it for me?" Eggsanta asked, donning the beard and grabbing a red light and some rope.

"I have a special gift for you once you're done being Santa," Sillygorath said, smiling, "but you'll have to do the job first!"

"Present..." Eggsanta said, jumping up and down, "But I want it now!" he complained.

"Oh, gotta go now, I have to dig a pit and fill it with clowns..." Sillygorath stated, "I'll be watching over you however, just remember to drive around in a crazy sleigh, jump down chimneys avoiding that hot thing, fill their stockings with cheese and put the cabbage and yarn under the tree... and afterwards cut them open and play skip rope with their entrails." Sillygorath said, finally getting into character as he left the doctor.

"Hmmm..." Eggsanta said, stroking his new beard, "I guess I'll have to construct a sleigh, and employ some robotic fools as reindeer." Eggman commented as he looked towards Bokkun with a wicked scowl as he lifted up the rope and red light. "Why am I saying 'employ' for?"

* * *

><p>"Go Metal Sonic, Go Metal Knuckles, Go E-102 Gamma, Go E-123 Omega, Go Docoe, Go Bocoe and Go Bokkun the red-nosed tin can!" Eggsanta yelled, whipping the robots as they barely managed to lift his sleigh off the ground.<p>

"This makes no sense!" Docoe whined.

"We're not even reindeer!" Bocoe stated.

"OH HO HO HO HO..." Eggsanta laughed loudly, "Oh 'deer' I guess I'll have to 'rein' more terror down on you!" Eggsanta stated, whipping both robots (Who had been equipped with jetpacks.)

"Why are we even here!" Omega asked Gamma. "Don't we hate him?"

"Hate who?" Gamma replied. Omega sighed.

"Bokkun the red nosed tin can... has a very shiny nose..." Bokkun sang.

"If he knows what's best for him... he, will, shut his trap!" Eggman growled, whipping him.

"I AM NOT A ROBOT!" Metal knuckles yelled.

"Welcome my son... welcome... to the Machine!" Metal Sonic sang.

"Shut it! All of you!"

"Technically only Bokkun can shut it Doctor!" Docoe stated.

"Yeah, he's the only one with a mouth!" Metal Sonic said. Eggsanta looked most displeased as he stretched the whip.

"Quick, fly away from the whipping!" Gamma stated.

"Oh nose, we're tied down!" Bocoe said worriedly.

"And if you ever saw him... you'll even say it glows!"

* * *

><p>A short whip later, Eggman was on the roof of his first two victims; Sonic and Tails.<p>

"OH HO HO HO HO..." Eggman laughed, "Time to break in!" he exclaimed as he jumped down the chimney with an insane "HO HO HO!"

"So... who are you guys anyway?" Docoe asked Metal Knuckles and Metal Sonic.

"Yeah, I've never seen you two before." Bocoe commented.

"We're guys!" Metal Sonic exclaimed.

"WE EXIST!" Metal Knuckles asked worriedly.

"WHAT AM I?"

"WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE!"

* * *

><p>Stealthily crawling along the floor of Tails workshop, Eggsanta finally made it to the Christmas tree, decorated with various different ornaments; bells, teddy bears, mistletoe etc etc.<p>

The tree _did have _some candy canes on it, but Eggsanta ate them all.

"Hmmmm... what gifts could I get my two greatest enemy's?" Eggsanta pondered, bringing his finger to his mouth in wonder. "It has to be something that causes no harm, it has to be something that they would accept!"

Eggsanta walked around the room in hopes of something inspiring him, and something did; a childhood photo of Sonic and Tails fist pumping each other in the green hill zone, Sonic's trademark cocky grin was adorned on his face while Tails was chuckling heartily.

Taking the photo from its frame and setting the photo on fire, he caught sight of the duo's 'trademark' shoes.

"I don't think I've ever seen them change their shoes!" Eggsanta commented, "They must have really bad foot odour!" he exclaimed, pulling two vials of 'Uncle Chuckey's powder for horrendous foot and shoe odour' out of the bag and placing it under the tree, the tree instantly started crawling away in terror.

Grining in glee, Eggsanta slunk back over to the fireplace and saw two stockings; one blue and one yellow.

"Oh, that's right." Eggsanta said as he looked into the camera lens. Suddenly the audience wonders why they imagined Eggman looking at them through a TV or something, you know this is a book, well actually it's more of an (improperly) formatted web document, so why did you wonder that, question mark question mark ?

"For you Sonic!" Eggsanta exclaimed, "Your stocking gets filled with your favourite food... Chilli dogs!" Eggsanta stated with a grin, "Too bad by the time you eat them they will be festering and gross! OH HO HO HO HO!"

"As for you Tails, I hear you have a fondness of mint candy's and I feel kinda bad for eating all your candy canes..." Eggsanta said, grinning again, "So your stocking gets filled with mint candy's... too bad their going to be covered in chocolate which you can't eat! OH HO HO HO HO!"

With that, Eggman cart wheeled up the chimney and out the roof.

"I want that." Sonic said. He and Tails had been sitting on the couch the whole time while 'Santa' paraded around.

"What? A hot dog heaven super chilli cheese dog?" Tails asked.

"No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a hedgehog when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Tails asked happily.

"We gotta go to White Castle." Sonic exclaimed happily.

"YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!" Tails exclaimed.

* * *

><p>"OH HO HO HO HO!" Eggsanta laughed, whipping his henchbots, "That was more fun than I expected, I have to do this more often!" Eggsanta commented whipping his henchbots some more and ordering them to fly to the Chaotix detective agency.<p>

"Eggman!" Bokkun whined, earning him a whip from Eggman.

"No, you call me Eggsanta!"

"Eggsanta!" Bokkun whined.

"Better!" Eggsanta growled, whipping Bokkun again.

"Why are you whipping us?" Bokkun said tearfully. Eggsanta looked perplexed for a moment as realisation struck him.

"Good point Bokkun." Eggsanta commented sincerely. "I built a mechanical hand in the sleigh to whip you for me!" he said while pushing a _'BIG RED BUTTON,_' a metal hand soon popped out and started whipping the 'rein''deer' at three times the speed.

"Kill the traitor!" Omega yelled.

"Stone him!" Metal Knuckles screamed.

"SNIFFFFFFF... SAVE... THE WORLD!" Docoe exclaimed.

* * *

><p>"Time to break in!" Eggsanta exclaimed as he jumped down the chimney with an insane "HO HO HO!"<p>

Going through the Chaotix's lounge as inconspicuously as a black teenager in a safe neighbourhood, Eggsanta rapped, krumped and boom-boxed his way over to their Christmas tree in a very not so racist at all manner.

"Yo Yo Yo, Wicka-wicka what!" Eggsanta sang to the tree, which was instantly set alight from flames and hate mail directed to the author's inbox from angry white people.

"Hmmm..." Eggsanta pondered, "What do I get these fools?" he questioned.

"Vector loves money!" Eggsanta exclaimed as he pulled out a five dollar note from the sack, "So I'll cut him so cash!" he said, cutting the five dollar note in half and placing it under the tree.

A sudden scream of terror came from upstairs, which Eggsanta ignored.

"What about Espio!" Eggsanta asked himself, he really wished he had some BK right about now because he was fat and hungry. "I know!" Eggsanta stated, "Since he's a detective, I'll give him a magnifying glass!" he stated, pulling the magnifying glass from the sack and dropping it onto the hard wooden floor and shattering it into a million pieces with his foot. "OH HO HO HO HO!" Eggsanta laughed crazily.

"As for you Charmy Bee!" Eggsanta said, "I have something special up my sleeve for you!" he stated, pulling a pair of orange tinted glasses from his boot. "I call them video game glasses... I'll leave you to work out what they do! OH HO HO HO HO!"

In Vector's stocking, he placed a crocodile leather handbag, Espio's, some rice, and in Charmy's stocking he placed a small bag of sugar free sugar.

And with that said, Eggsanta cartwheeled back up the chimney. (But not before raiding the fridge, drawing on Vector's face with permanent marker and leaving a poo floating in the toilet with the bathroom door wide open.)

* * *

><p>"Fly! *Whip* Fly! *Whip* Fly! *Whip* Fly! *Whip* Fly! *Whip*" Eggsanta ordered while he whipped his 'reigndeer.' He got bored on his trip over to Cream's house so he started whipping them by himself again.<p>

"Doctor, please stop whipping us!" Bocoe pleaded.

"How come the only pain we feel is when he whips us!" Metal Sonic asked.

"Complain! *Whip* Fly! *Whip* Complain! *Whip* Fly! *Whip* Complain! *Whip*" Eggsanta said, "And I told you to call me Eggsanta!" he growled, whipping Metal Sonic. "Fly! *Whip* Complain! *Whip*"

"Can we at least get something to eat?" Bokkun asked, "I can see a Krusty Burger down there." He pointed out.

_Three minutes later... _

"Eat! *Whip* Eat! *Whip* Eat!" Eggsanta ordered his 'reigndeer,' who had all mysteriously sprouted mouths.

* * *

><p>"Time to break in!" Eggsanta exclaimed as he jumped down the chimney with an insane "HO HO HO!"<p>

"BULLRUSH!" Eggsanta yelled at the top of his lungs, running across the lounge and tackling the couch, picking it up and throwing it out the window with an almighty crash, the couch went on to go on a journey through both time and space, which ended up atop Chris Thorndyke, killing him.

Suddenly Eggman was praised as a hero on earth.

"What to get Cream and her mother Vanilla!" Eggsanta said, "And it looks like Amy is staying here the night as well, the author must be lazy!" Eggsanta said sincerely.

"Well for Cream, you can have a reminder of a dear friend of yours..." Eggsanta said, grabbing something from his sack and throwing it under the tree.(lots of assorted ornaments, Christmas lights, etc etc, severe absence of any candy canes that may have once been there.)

"OH HO HO HO HO!" Eggsanta laughed as he saw the decapitated, sparking head of Emerl under the tree. "That's sure to let the waterworks out, TEE HE HE!" he laughed evilly.

"Now onto Amy!" Eggman said gleefully, "The most obvious thing for you is a picture of Sonic!" Eggsanta said happily, pulling a picture of Sonic from the sack.

He also pulled out the same permanent marker from before and started laughing evilly.

Seconds later, the Sonic picture was in the tree with a Hitler stache, crudely drawn male genitalia surrounding him, rainbows, fairies, Princess Sally kissing him (she also had crudely drawn male genitalia on her) and Eggman behind him with an axe, looking exactly like Christian Bale, firing lasers from his eyes while wearing a cowboy hat, Eggman also had a speech bubble containing 'I am awesome!'

"And Vanilla, you can have some Ice!' Eggsanta stated, throwing some Ice on the floor... Right beside some tiny feet.

"Santa!" Creamy-lo said, "Is that you Santa?"

"Um..." Eggsanta said, before cart-wheeling out the chimney. If he said yes he would be telling the truth, if he said no she could cry... and that would make him laugh.

Before leaving, he threw some Chao-bits in Cream's stocking, put a broken hammer in Amy's stocking, and a rotting apple in Vanilla's stocking.

* * *

><p>"Have fun sinking on your stupid little Island Knuckles!" Eggsanta yelled, firing a bazooka at the Master Emerald and destroying it. "You're present! GET A LIFE... OH HO HO HO!"<p>

"Hmmmm... while I'm here I may as well destroy that stupid cat Big and his stupid frog Froggy!" he growled, firing the Bazooka into a nearby forest and somehow striking the duo directly.

* * *

><p>"Time to break in!" Eggsanta exclaimed as he jumped down the chimney with an insane "HO HO HO! Man, I need to come up with something more original!"<p>

"_This particular hit is going to be fun!" _Eggsanta thought, he already knew what he was going to give Shadow. Rouge could be a bit more difficult however.

Hop-scotching over to the Christmas tree, Eggsanta pulled out a piece of paper, a pen and a small blue packet from the sack, and began writing on the paper, _'You know what to do! Shadow!'_

Throwing it under the somewhat abysmally decorated tree with the blue packet of razor blades, he laughed. "OH HO HO HO HO! Now onto you, Rouge... hey that rhymes!" Eggsanta commented.

"Hmmmm... what to get Rouge!" Eggsanta asked himself, "I know!" he said, pulling some paper and a big bag of expensive make up from the sack, he wrote 'look in the microwave!' on the paper and put the make up in the microwave, setting it to the heart of the sun.

Going over to the stocking, he filled Shadow's with some terrible Australian lollies, and also did the same with Rouge because the author was lazy.

* * *

><p><em>THE NEXT DAY!<em>

* * *

><p>"Awesome!" Sonic and Tails both shouted, "Foot powder, what we always wanted!"<p>

* * *

><p>"OMG WTF MONIES MONIES MONIES!" Vector said, fainting.<p>

"I wish I had a magnifying glass to see how this magnifying glass broke." Espio complained.

"Charmy Bee must go on a quest to find a magnifying glass for Espio and a healing drought for Vector!"

* * *

><p>"Amy!"<p>

"Cream!"

"Amy!"

"Cream!"

"ICE ICE BABY!"

* * *

><p>"EGGMAN!"<p>

* * *

><p>"Froggy!"<p>

* * *

><p>"hmmm... thanks Rouge!" Shadow commented, thinking the razors and note was from her.<p>

"Good going Shadow! You set off a supernova in the bloody microwave!" Rouge retorted, jumping at Shadow and attacking him as a small cloud of dust randomly appeared around the pair.

* * *

><p>"Good work Eggman." Sillygorath commented proudly, spinning his cane on his forefinger.<p>

"OH HO HO HO HO! That was most fun!" Eggman said, pouncing on Sillygorath and grabbing his throat. "Now, where's my present!" he demanded.

"Here we go..." Sillygorath said while he pulled out a medium sized orange coloured sack, ignoring Eggman's threats.

"Oh... what is it!" Eggman asked.

"Coal!" Sillygorath said slyly.


End file.
